Write a funny or meaningful story about the person who died.
When I was in high school, my mom, sister and I went to the local buffet for a meal. It was raining and we ran from the car to the front door of the restaurant. My sister and I reached the door first; my mom was a little slower. We turned around to see if she was close, and just as we did, my mom slipped on the very wet concrete and went feet up backwards. My sister and I were stunned, and scared, so we opened the door to the restaurant and screamed into the place “our mom just fell” or something close to that. Of course, people came out to help her up and make sure she was okay. We made our way into the waiting area of the place and sat down. We looked at each other and started laughing hysterically, and could not stop. Mom was OK, of course. I think of this story when I think of the relationship with my mom, sister and I. Mom did her part by being a goofy mom (as I am now to my kids) and always kidded us about laughing at/with her. I think that she enjoyed being humorous to us. We laughed a lot when we were together, not only at her, but at each other and other people as well…
The most meaningful story I have about my Dad is of the day my mother died. My father was always gruff, distant, and uncomfortable with displays of affection. The morning before my mother died, and we knew it was getting close, I told him that. He got up from his recliner, walked over to my Mom, and got her attention (she was in and out of awareness), looked her in the face, told her they were going to a party that night and for her to get her hair done and dressed up. She looked at him and said okay, he kissed her on the forehead and sat back down. She died a couple of hours after that. It was the kindest, sweetest thing I had ever seen him do in my whole life.
What gives me pleasure in my life?
I’m working on that, I haven’t spent much time enjoying my life, figuring work was the key to being loved and accepted. I feel like I’ve always had to work to get the love and acceptance in my life, whether it was good grades so my parents would acknowledge me or excel in my career to be of value in my marriage. I’ve begun exploring what I want to do. I have taken up yoga, for the physical aspects and the mental/spiritual aspects. I want to improve my ability to be present in the moment, and I can do that with yoga. I am working on going regularly and have signed up for a 40 day challenge that starts in January to help in my quest. Another pleasure I have is cleaning stuff out and organizing, sick as it is… I really enjoy cleaning out and am working towards a minimalist lifestyle, with regard to stuff. I saw what we had to go through when my folks died and didn’t see the point in a lot of the stuff they kept, and then had to decide what to do with it when they were gone. I don’t want to do that to my kids.
Make a list of goals for the coming year.
Be a better wife
Be a better friend
Be a better mother
Enjoy my life
Worry less, pray more
Be proactive rather than reactive
Become great at yoga, enjoying it, practicing it
Read more
Figure out what I really want to do when I grow up
Get out of debt and stay out of debt
Touchstone Five (based on “Understanding your Grief” by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D)
I am attending a grief group once a week for 10 weeks to help me “process” my grief. When reading the book tonight and working on my homework, I thought that it might make a good blog post. So I may or may not share in the future, but thought this one was worthwhile, although personal.
Have you felt the need to focus on yourself and pay less attention to others in your journey through grief?
- Physical focus on myself
- I did go have a checkup after the deaths to be sure that there wasn’t something else going on. My blood work showed that my system is having a hard time keeping up with the amount of stress I have placed on it. I am on some additional supplements and medicine, but still don’t feel the “normal” amount of energy I once had.
- I would say that the need is not so much as to focus on myself, but to avoid focusing on others. It will be great when I feel I can focus on myself, but I am challenged to do that now because of other life issues.
- Fear of failure – what if I focus on myself and I fail, does this mean that it failed because I was and only thought of myself?
- Am I worthy of focusing on myself? Have I completed enough tasks, done enough chores, to then feel that I can “take the extra time” and spend it on myself?
- This has been a difficult task to accomplish.
- I am incredibly efficient and have managed to do so well at running my family’s life, that it’s been difficult for them to transition to running their own lives.
- While the past, co-dependent, me would have been thrilled to have been so *needed*, the current me feels stifled and suffocated.
- I have the huge urge to run, run away from my family, run away from my job, to go find myself some small studio on a beach somewhere. This seems like a fairly normal urge for most people.
- What is a “normal” amount of energy? For me, it was lots tasks with lots of multi-tasking. I could get more things done in a day than most people in a week. Why, yes, I took an incredible amount of pride in this.
- The problem with that now people expect me to do this all the time. I have lost my ability to be average when it comes to getting stuff done.
- I “feel” ultra responsible, so even when things are not mine to take care of, I am almost driven to fix it and solve the problem.
- I am getting better at finding the responsible party and off-loading the information, but then feel compelled to “follow up” to make sure it’s getting done. This leads to my other challenge of being a control freak
- Quite frankly, I am tired to trying to see how many things I can get done in a day, this is not a contest and I’m sure that God is not going to congratulate me on how many things I got done in my lifetime that didn’t really mean anything to
anyone, except to me because they got done.
- Super Freaky Control Freak
- I usually believe without a doubt that my way is the best way.
- I am compulsive about thinking about the best ways to do things, whether it’s planning a traffic route to get somewhere or make arrangements for a party, I do get defensive if someone questions me.
- What can I do?
- Allow others to do things there way and, here’s the hard part, be okay with however it turns out. Whether it means getting lost on the way someplace or anything else, it means that I will smile, thank them for whatever they’ve done
and BE GRATEFUL that I didn’t have to do it.
- Allow others to do things there way and, here’s the hard part, be okay with however it turns out. Whether it means getting lost on the way someplace or anything else, it means that I will smile, thank them for whatever they’ve done
Can you be self-focused and not feel guilty or negligent or selfish? Write about a time where your need to be self-focused collided with others expectations or needs?
- I was pretty good at being self focused, at first, after my father died. When Mom died, I was very depressed, but went to work, tried to keep my normal schedule, etc. When Dad died not much later, I somehow knew I needed time. So when I got laid off, I was actually relieved and looking forward to having days where I didn’t have to do anything, there were no deadlines and I didn’t have to see anyone. However, when a job opportunity came up only two weeks after I was laid off, I felt obligated to
take it for the money. My reasons/excuses were: there aren’t that many jobs out there now and who knows when another great one like this would come up; we need the money; what could I possible do all day if I didn’t have a job?; so on and so forth. - So while I didn’t feel guilty or selfish directly, all of my *reasons* seemed so reasonable, that how could I not take the job?
- So an example of a time when my need to be self-focused collided with others was my work situation. I was only supposed to work Tuesday through Thursday with Monday and Friday off. While I tried, I felt pressured (by myself) to work on projects on my days off, to finish the project *because I’m a professional”. I was so terrified of disappointing my new company/bosses, the clients and people who see me work. I feel I have this image to uphold that I am one of the hardest workers around (combined with my enhanced ability to get stuff done), and that if I FAIL at meeting everyone’s expectations all the time, then I am a failure in everything. (did I mention that I have a bad case of the “all or nothings”?
- I’m not even sure that I didn’t collide with myself. I am the one that made these choices to work rather than not work.
Have you been moody since the deaths? Write about a mood you felt uncomfortable with – was it out of character for you, physically uncomfortable for your or…?
- I have been mostly depressed, with moods of anger. I had been on anti-depressants (since before their deaths) and felt physically unable to grieve, overmedicated? Anyway, I am no longer on anti-depressants and feel like I am able to experience my moods, even though they aren’t always pleasant. I also feel hope that this shall pass, and I almost feel that I am just now starting the process without anti-depressants.
- I am acknowledging my need to cry and will watch sappy movies to give me that opportunity to cry. As well as allow myself to cry when I feel tears coming on. Usually in my car when I’m alone and thinking of my parents.
What are your linking objects?
- For my Dad, my linking objects would have to be his photos. I am scanning and organizing his BOXES of photos and seeing them makes me feel close (which is why I probably don’t mind going through them so much). The older photos that he took when he was younger (the black and whites) help me see what he saw.
- I also have his watch. It’s on my dresser and I see it every morning. His schedule was very important to him, even if his schedule revolved around the TV schedule, his watch was very important to him so it makes me think of him.
- For my Mom, I have a ring that she bought when we were on a cruise to Alaska. It was quite a splurge, and she did it with grace. She waited her whole life for my Dad to want to do things for her, and then getting disappointed (presented as anger) with him for never quite thinking of her in the way she wanted to be thought about.
Have you experienced anniversaries, birthdays or holidays since the deaths? Did you cope “better” or worse” than you expected? Write about your loved-ones significance in these celebrations prior to their deaths?
- My mom’s birthday was in September. We chose that day to scatter both Mom and Dad’s ashes where Mom wanted them scattered. It was a nice field trip to the Tucson Mountains at Gate’s pass. I separated the ashes into baggies for each of us to scatter and when we got there, everyone went to their own spot to scatter them. It didn’t take more than an hour, but felt
appropriate. I’m not sure why my Mom wanted to be scattered out there, but it was in her will. That itself reminds me of some of her crazy stuff, she would get these ideas, based on something that only made sense to her, and wouldn’t let go. Thank goodness my Dad didn’t care where he was scattered, we just scattered him with Mom. Dad, towards the end, didn’t want to decide anything for himself, so it was fitting that he felt that way about his ashes, too. - It wasn’t sad for me at all. I didn’t really have any expectations about it.
- We are coming up on our first Thanksgiving and Christmas without them. We have decided to not plan anything, to try and make new traditions so quickly.
I can remember walking to school for kindergarten; I would walk up 2 houses and cross the street. The house on the corner had a chain link fence around the front yard; it was about 30″ tall, not very tall at all. Inside the chain link fence was this arrangement of rectangular plots of land with plants, flowers and trees within concrete borders. It looked like a secret garden and I wanted to explore it. I can remember that the people who lived in the house didn’t really like kids, so we avoided that yard except to walk past on our way to school.
I was in Miss Washington’s kindergarten class. She had dark hair in a classic bouffant style, and fair skin. She had a soft voice and soft personality. She wore classic 60’s suits of heavily textured polyester in vivid neon colors. The classroom has a dark quality because we were on the shady side of the building and there were trees right outside the window. There were windows with beige venetian blinds on the back wall of the classroom opposite the entry door and on the corridor wall as well. Our classroom was located at the corner of the school building on the first floor. There were doors at both ends of the classroom and one of the doors opened onto the wall of a seemingly very large corridor with very shiny floors and lockers lining the walls. Miss Washington’s desk was on the opposite side of the classroom facing the corridor and our desks were perpendicular to her desk and faced the chalkboard in the front of the classroom. The desks were made of wood and brownish gray metal and were proportional in size for 5 year olds. The slanted wood looking laminate top had a groove carved in the center top to hold your pencil, and the top hinged open to reveal a thick metal basin in which to store our school supplies. The attached plywood chair was attached to the desk at a frame on the bottom of the chair.
We students had done an assignment especially well one day because Miss Washington gave each of us a Tootsie Pop as a reward. I remember mine was grape and it was gone all too quickly. She handed one to every student in the class and then placed one remaining Tootsie Pop in her right hand desk drawer. She then left the class to attend to something and left us students alone. I thought of some reason that I had to be standing by Miss Washington’s desk, and I opened her desk drawer and took the last remaining Tootsie Pop for myself. I went to my desk and sat down, undetected in my theft, feeling triumphant in my acquisition I quietly lifted the desktop and gently placed my Tootsie Pop in the safety of my desk basin for an after school treat. Shortly thereafter, Miss Washington returned to the classroom, and at one point she looked in her desk drawer. “I thought I had an extra Tootsie Roll for someone who isn’t here today”, Miss Washington said, and before I even thought about what I was doing, my hand shot up, I eagerly said, “I have an extra one you can have!”
I can remember the feeling of wanting to share but more importantly of wanting to be commended for sharing. I was hungrier for the recognition and praise that I was for that Tootsie Roll. Miss Washington uncovered my deception quickly I’m sure and I must have confessed instantly. I don’t remember exactly what Miss Washington said to me, I’m sure it involved disappointment and I was sent to the principal’s office very quickly. I remember this balding man who was be the principal pacing in front of his desk. He was holding onto a flat wooden paddle about the length of a baseball bat, and trying to scare me by telling me, “you know, I’m allowed to use this, but I really don’t want to”. He rhythmically bounced the paddle against his hand to emphasize his point. It did scare me; I didn’t want to get paddled, but not because it would hurt. I didn’t want to get paddled because the attention I would have gotten attention in the class would not have been because I showed my generosity for a fellow classmate as I craved. But feared that the other children would make fun of me and not play with me for getting in trouble and being sent to the principal’s office. It was a long walk back down that shiny corridor to Miss Washington’s classroom.
This is an art project from college. I wish I could say I felt a little different now, however, I can say that it’s good to have a baseline from which to grow from.
I grew up in a family where there was never any middle ground. Ever. With an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother, we lived in extremes. There was either total avoidance (which really meant we were just bracing for the next blow up) or full-blown chaos.
Conflicts were all treated the same, whether small and large, it was as if the world were ending. Someone would yell and scream, someone got blamed, and then it was over. There was no further discussion and this pattern seemed to preserve the right to bring up all previous mistakes in future conflicts. As a child, this didn’t seem unusual to me, it was “normal” in our household. You can imagine how confusing it was for me to finally realize that this was not normal in a lot of families. Who didn’t bring up problems from 10 years ago if it was thought to be relevant now?
I spent years, decades even, using this particular set of conflict resolution skills for everything from overdrawn checks to disciplining my children. It was difficult for me to have stability or a normal routine, because any sort of stability in my life growing up usually meant that there was an even bigger storm brewing. Provoking situations to force chaos sooner rather than later reduced the terrible anxiety I felt about the chaos I knew would surely happen. This is very common scenario for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA).
So, as you can imagine, I was VERY good at creating chaos. I thrived on chaos, I sprung into action, I solved the problem, I got things done, and I was very good as using my over developed sense of responsibility solving not only my problems, but everyone else’s as well (whether or not they wanted me to solve them). According to the website Adult Children of Alcoholics, “Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions.” That was me.
For whatever reasons this past year (it could be because I turned 50, or had both kids leave the house) or just finally the realization of age, I found that operating in my extremes did not work for me anymore. So in no particular order, here are my 5 life lessons for 2010.
Life Lesson #1 2010: I looked at what I was doing and my responsibility in provoking the conflict in my life. (Difficult when you’ve spent a lifetime having a victim mentality) I did it anyway. Taking an honest look, I realized that it probably is difficult for other people, friends, family and co-workers to translate my extreme behavior into what I think my behavior is actually conveying, which were usually two totally different things. It sucked to look at myself and accept that. I was totally committed to improving how I interact with the world. I also realized, that despite my best ACOA intentions of being perfect in this process, I would fail, probably often. What that meant was I had a few apologies to make. Again, difficult when you’ve really perfected the art of thinking you’re never wrong. Gulp.
Life Lesson #2 2010: Publicly acknowledging that you are struggling doesn’t kill you or change how people think about you. I found that when I explained to people, they very understanding, especially if I apologized at the same time. However, I also realized that trust and friendship may have been tested and will have to be gained again.
Life Lesson #3 2010: I learned that apologizing is not fatal. After carefully considering the situations, I didn’t apologize for anything I didn’t feel led to. But there were certain situations I know I needed to apologize for. I felt better and stopped feeling guilty and tortured once I did. It doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally obsess over who said what and what I could have said. But for the most part, apologizing truly helped me move on.
Life Lesson #4 2010: I am still fighting my natural tendencies to create chaos, thinking about every situation and what may be appropriate, but chaos is happening less frequently. I am hopeful that this continues to decrease as I become more comfortable in stable and calm situations. I will also develop the sense to discern when a situation actually requires the use of more force or action to solve the problem. What I’ve learned is that most situations, given a few minutes to process, can be solved with calm discussion and I just need to give myself those few minutes to see that.
Life Lesson #5 2010: I have been working on my life and improving it for what seems like forever. This past year I realized that I can’t get to a place and think that I can stop. Which I did. I was looking at this process like there was an actual destination where everything fell into place and I no longer had to work on my issues. Ridiculous, I know. So I have had to adjust my attitude so that I no longer made a huge effort for a short period and then stopped. I now look at the smaller actions required daily, weekly or monthly and accept that a small effort can be important and it does count.
I’m looking forward to seeing how these life lessons continue to develop in 2011. For as painful as learning some of these lessons has been, life on the other side of these lessons is so much better. Growing up at any age is worth it.
Savory Cheese Puffles
I love to bake, probably because I have an incredible sweet tooth and I could bake yummy treats. Between raising the kids and working full-time for the last 15 years, sad to say, baking has fallen by the wayside. That and I can’t eat sweets the way I used to when younger, so it’s been better for me to just not bake, and therefore not eat what I’ve baked.
But tonight, I had to prepare our potluck dish for the office christmas party tomorrow.
We are having a casual Christmas Party with walk-around food, so I chose to make Cheese Puffles. For those of you that have never experienced the cheesy buttery goodness of a cheese puffle, I highly recommend this savory snack. I originally found this recipe in a children’s vegetarian cookbook when my kids were little. It was fun to make with them, and totally delicious when cooked.
Cheese Puffles (makes 4-5 dozen)
Ingredients
2 cups unbleached (wheat) flour
1 cup unsalted butter (2 sticks)
2 cups grated sharp cheese
4 cups Rice Krispies
Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F. Cream the flour, butter and cheese together in a large bowl. I used my Kitchenaid and started with the whisk attachment, if you rather. Add the Rice Krispies and mix into a cohesive dough, I switched to the dough blade for this step.
Shape puffles into small balls (quarter size), using your hands.
Bake until golden, about 10-15 minutes. Let cool.
Bon Appetitit! Simple but nummy!
My father and I were in an introductory VERY SERIOUS MEETING with an attorney recently discussing VERY SERIOUS THINGS. My father is 81 years old and had gone through some traumatic and life altering health crisises, in the last few months.
He has been retired for almost 20 years and has no hobbies outside of watching TV. Even before he retired, he didn’t engage at all. zip, nana, nothing, period.
Something he said at towards the end of our meeting caused me to think about how we react when we get uncomfortable in serious discussions.
We were recapping who would do what next and he says, “Here’s something completely off topic”, and so I am thinking that it has to do with the legal situation, as do the attorneys. However, he tells us that he recently saw on TV how the skunk’s spray is flammable. Hm….
After the attorney and I looked at each other for a few minutes, me trying to mind meld with the attorney to tell him that my father is not crazy, we get back to the wrap up and finish.
After I relayed this funny story to anyone who knows my dad, I had a few minutes to consider why he would say such a random thing at that moment.
The best I could come up with is that he just was not used to discussing things of value or importance. He brought up something he was completely comfortable with, TV, and some useless and unimportant fact that as a stress reliever from dealing with reality.
How do you deal with the reality of the situation you are in? I think of myself as confrontational and eager to deal with whatever has come up. However, I think that as long as I think I am right and justified (and can win the fight), I am eager to confront. When I’m not so sure about winning, then I am more cautious before proceeding. Which is really the better way to go, because I’m not always right, even though I may think I am. Can I stop my will to win for the greater good of maintaining a relationship?
I will let you know…
I pass this life-size dinosaur every day and yet it has been years since I have given it any thought. Until the other day when I passed Tyrannosaurus Rex all dressed up for Halloween and as so, is always dressed head to toe for every worthy occasion. However, it is on this occasion that I took notice of three things:
1. There is a life-size 20 foot tall T-Rex on the corner of a major intersection
2. He is holding a small sign that reads “Boo”
3. He is holding a large plastic orange pumpkin bucket
T Rex represents all those false thoughts that and those negative beliefs that we work so hard to let go of. If we do not make a deliberate effort to conquer the ugly chatter in our head (slay the dragon, so to speak), those thoughts and beliefs are as real as T Rex, teeth bared, poised for destruction. We may not be prepared for a fight or flight situation, instead we run and hide leaving those thoughts and beliefs stronger than before. Say we manage to be strong enough to overcome the ugly chatter and have slipped by the large carnivorous dinosaur on the corner. Does T Rex give up that easily?
T Rex is also holding a small sign that reads “Boo” … This sign is our small quiet voice that questions our decisions, pushes us to ignore our intuition, and go along even though we don’t agree.
Last but not least is the large orange pumpkin; T Rex is clearly expecting something. Remember back to our trick or treating days. Why did we carry the biggest plastic pumpkin we could find? We were hoping for lots of candy! Do not forget, the tradition is trick OR treat, historically it wasn’t guaranteed you would get a treat, tricks were included and feared.
Here is T Rex, with his sign and pumpkin bucket expecting you to fill it. Fill with what? Tricks, big scary ones, destruction and despair are his favorite snacks.
The tricks are those vague thoughts about lack, failure and disappointment casually tossed into the bucket. To turn those tricks into treats, we must challenge ourselves, “Is this true?”, and “If it’s true, how often? Every time? Once in a while?” and “How did I overcome this situation the last time it happened” We have to remember how truly amazing and strong we are or we’re the only ones getting tricked.
So when we hear the question “Trick or Treat”, remember it’s our choice.
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What you say
Mustang Midlife on Trick or Treat Sven Schoene on Trick or Treat Mustang Midlife on Trick or Treat Sven Schoene on Trick or Treat
